


Knock Knock It's the Feds

by Frog_that_writes



Category: Henry Danger (TV)
Genre: Humour, classic hd humour, idk how to tag, if you're going to be a dick abt that dont read this lol, kinda crack ig, oh one of the agents is nb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 06:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20560094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frog_that_writes/pseuds/Frog_that_writes
Summary: Junk and Stuff gets visited by some government agents.





	Knock Knock It's the Feds

**Author's Note:**

> why did i write this

“Hey, Henry do you think I should go with the red one or the purple one?” Ray’s voice immediately called out to Henry as he stepped out of the elevator. He looked up to see Ray staring at two rocks about the size of his head, one purple and one red. 

“Purple.” Henry answered without pause, before realizing he was speaking to Ray and for all he knew the purple one was a bomb. “Wait, what are those for?”

“I don’t know yet,” Ray answered, not looking up from the rocks in front of them. He had picked up the purple one and was now stroking it gently.

“He found them outside of the shop,” Schwoz informed him helpfully.

“Yeah, and when I asked him why he brought a bunch of dirty rocks into the cave, he told me that he thinks it’s a sign,” Charlotte sighed. She and Jasper were standing in the corner with their instruments, apparently still practicing for their eventual Bar Mitzvah appearances.

“A sign for what?” Henry dropped him bag and was quickly handed his accordion from an eager Jasper. He claimed it’s sound was the only thing that really brought their music together. Henry just played it because it was beyond a doubt the single most sexy instrument on earth. Chicks dig an accordion.

“I don’t know yet!” Ray threw the purple rock in his direction. Henry quickly ducked, and the rock slammed into the wall behind him. “Aw look what you’ve made me do now!

“Jes- Dude! Did you- You can’t just- You just threw a rock at my head!” Henry exclaimed. The rest of the residents of the man cave nodded, but made no move to come to his defense. Some days Ray would just throw rocks at you. It was part of their job’s charm.

“Look, kid. Actually, I can do whatever I want. From the first moment you spoke the oath that...”

“ _ Oh my god not this again,”  _ Charlotte muttered, but it was no use. When Ray started talking about how he could boss them around because they wanted a job, there was no stopping him. Thankfully, some life form out their apparently had mercy on them, for the alarm that triggered whenever anyone actually came into the shop chimed. 

“Ugh. Jasper, go see what those people want.” Ray groaned.

“Why do I have to do it! We were just about to start practicing,” Jasper whined, pulling his guitar strap off his neck with reluctance. They were never going to be Bar Mitzvah material at this rate.

“It is literally you’re job! I pay you to watch the store!” 

“Oh yeah.”

* * *

A few minutes went by, filled only by Ray’s complaints about now being stuck with an inferior red rock before Charlotte decided to pipe up.

“Jasper’s been gone a while hasn’t he?”

“I’m sure he’s fine. Henry, go fetch me a sharpie. I want to write my name on this thing.”

Henry silently mouthed the word ‘fetch’ to himself in confusion.

“Considering our line of work, you don’t think we should at least go make sure he isn’t being kidnapped?”

“Ughhhhhhhhh,” Ray repeatedly hit himself in the head with his rock, causing no small amount of concern for the three who were watching his fit. “ _ Fine!”  _ He marched over to the elevator in a manner reminiscent of a very wronged toddler while Henry and Charlotte shared looks of exasperation.

Schwoz looked back and forth between the rising elevator and his computer. “Schwoz will stay here,” he muttered to himself finally.

* * *

Henry walked into the storefront, expecting anything from a bored Jasper to a tied up Jasper to a missing Jasper, but what he did not expect was to find a very nervous looking Jasper talking to men in fine pressed suits and dark sunglasses. 

“Shit,” Ray swore softly next to him. “It’s the fucking feds.”

“Hello, um. Sirs. What can we uh. Do for you. Today?” Ray asked. Henry could sense Charlotte’s barely fought desire to facepalm.

“Ray Mancehstor?” One of the men in the suits asked. This one was a bit skinnier than the other two and his suit was a bit more ill fitting. Henry was just going to call him Jason. 

“Yes, that would be me,” their boss chuckled nervously. Apparently even Ray was smart enough to not be an idiot in front of what appeared to be federal agents.

“We’re with the IRS,” The one standing in the front spoke. He screamed “Alpha” with his sharp jaw and shaved haircut. He could be Chad. 

“Yous is currently under investigation for running a front and for tax evasion. We has a warrant to search this entire building.” The middle ground between Chad and Jason spoke. He looked like a Brian.

“Look here, Chad, Jason, and Brian,” Henry spoke up, completely ignoring that he had literally just made those names up. “There is absolutely no way there is anything weird going on at our very legitimate and honest real business Bunk and Bluff.”

“Junk and Stuff,” Jasper corrected.

“I mean Junk and Stuff.”

“Look kid, I don’t know how you know our names-” Chad began but Henry interrupted.

“Wait, your name is really Chad?”

“What? No. I’m Jason. He-” He nodded to ‘Brian’ “-is Chad, and they-” he nodded to ‘Jason’ “-are Brian.” 

“Eh, even money,” Henry shrugged. When it looked like he was about to start arguing, Jasper cut in.   
“Look, I already told you, nothing weird is going on here. We are a completely normal practice that had managed to stay in business selling things donated to us by prisons when they have left overs from their prison raffles.”

“Well, if yous a completely legitimate business, how comes no one was up here when we came in and all of yous was back there in the back? Seems a little fishy,” Brian-Chad said. The other two nodded in agreement.

“We were all back there because that’s where we hold our weekly meetings to talk about how normal our business is!”

“Well, if you have nothing to hide,” Chad-Jason turned to Ray. “I’m sure you won’t mind us taking a look around?”

“I have absolutely no problems with that whatsoever!” his boss said with a too wide grin. The agents nodded, and began examining random object while the team huddled together in the corner.

“Do they think we’re a drug front or something?” Henry asked Jasper. 

“I have no idea, they just kept asking me where my boss was, they wouldn’t tell me what they were here for,” Jasper explained quietly. Charlotte had a look of concentration on her face before suddenly speaking.

“Hey Ray?” She asked in a voice of false curiosity. “When’s the last time you paid your taxes?”

“You’re actually supposed to pay those things?”

All three teenagers let out simultaneous groans, causing Jason-Brian to look over and fix them with a stare. 

“What are you talking about over there?” He questioned.

“Just what we’re going to do after you leave, once you realize there is absolutely nothing strange whatsoever going on here,” Charlotte said calmly. Jason-Brian took a conspiratol look around, before walking over to the group.

“You guys want to know something?” They asked, leaning far too closely to Henry’s face.

“Uh, personal space?” He asked, and was promptly ignored as Jason-Brian took another look around before speaking.

“We’re not actually IRS,” they whispered.

“Wait, then why are you here?” Jasper asked. “You’re not going to kill us are you? I’m going to a concert tomorrow and it would be a huge bummer to get murdered today.”

“Wha- No I ain’t gonna murder you! Jesus, teenagers these days,” they rolled their eyes, and gave Ray a look that clearly said “y’know what I mean?”   
“Haha yeah with their damn tok tics and their four nights,” Ray laughed uneasily. “But if you’re not with the government and if you’re not going to assassinate us, why are you here?”   
“I never said I wasn’t with the government. Just that we ain’t with the IRS.” They gave the group at large a wink, clearly meant to convey some secret message.

“Okay, so… What’s going on here Jason?” Henry asked.

“Brian.”

“Yeah, Jason that’s what I said. So what’s the government want with our perfectly normal little… junk store?” He half-asked, looking to Jasper who nodded. “Yeah, our junk store.”

“Well, I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty suspicious of the fact that you can’t remember what the store you work at is. It’s a little weird.”

“Well that’s very judgy of you Jason,” Charlotte commented.

“Again, it’s Brian, but okay you’re right. I apologize.”

“Will you please just tell us why you’re here,” Jasper begged.

“We’ve been after a certain criminal for a few years now. Real shady guy, whole family’s a real piece of work from what we can gather,” Jason-Brian explained. 

“What does that have to do with us?” Ray asked.

“Well, we’ve had some intel report that they think they’ve seen him entering and exiting this building. We were worried you’ve been harboring him, but I can tell you all seem very trustworthy.” They said, and the group let out general sounds of agreement while nodding their heads.

“Then why are they still digging around?” Charlotte asked, gesturing to where Brian-Chad was holding the top of a piano open while Chad-Jason dug around the inside of it.

“While just cause you ain’t harboring him doesn’t mean he ain’t been sneaking in here,” they explained. Ray nodded understandably.

“Makes sense. Hey, do you think you could give us a little information on this guy?” Noticing the agent’s skeptical look, Ray quickly tacked on. “Just so we know if we see him, so we can immediately call you fine folks,” he grinned.

“Okay, I guess I can tell you some information,” they sighed. “We’re thinking we might be able to get him on a few counts of hacking into highly protected government documents and facilities, and on some identity theft. Now, there’s no way to know exactly what name he may be using, but he might introduce himself by the name of Schwoz.” Thankfully they didn’t notice the shocked looks on their faces, and simply continued on. “Well, it looks like the boys have all finished up, so we’ll get out of your hair now. Be sure to call the number on this card if you run into this guy,” they said, handing over their card, which simply said ‘Brian’ and had a phone number.

“Oh my god,” Charlotte muttered to herself.

“I don’t know whether to be glad or angry that I didn’t just call off and stay home today,” Henry sighed.

“Do we… tell Schwoz?” Jasper asked as he watched the agents walk out the door and towards a black BMW that had been parked outside.

“Are you kidding me?” Ray laughed. “This is hilarious. There’s no way we’re telling him.”   
He cackled all the way down to the man cave, ignoring the techie’s confused looks when he just laughed harder when asked what took them so long upstairs.

The teenagers sighed as they once more picked up their instruments. Just another day working for Captain Man.

**Author's Note:**

> based on a joke someone made on tumblr months ago that i started and never got around to finishing until now oof  
please comment and kudo i need constant attention


End file.
